Confessions of a Petty High Schooler ... 15 Years Later and Still Insecure

Tonight begins a tw0-day 15 year high school class reunion. The fact that it's happening when I'm in the states and in New Braunfels is amazing. I said I would at least go to the football game. But I'm not. I had this crazy eye thing going on - my eyes themselves are ok, but the lids and all around my eyes are red and swollen. Which means I can wear neither contacts nor makeup. So, out of pure vanity, I refuse to go tonight. What in the world? That means that the only reason I wanted to go in the first place was to show people that I turned out somewhat normal... I will never be cool, but I'm OK. I turned out somewhat pretty. I've traveled around the world, have had a very fulfilling and fascinating life. I might not own a car but I do wear Prada (well, only the perfume). So, is this what I want high school classmates to see in me? Do I want to compare my exotic life with their 9 to 5 boring lives? Am I expecting to see something in their eyes that says, "I'm sorry I put so much value on the outside... I missed your inside and now want to be more like you?" Do I want people who were not my friends want to be my friends now? Do I want to feel cool? WOAH, APRIL... Haven't I turned into them? Who exactly am I trying to impress? What am I really trying to prove? And doesn't the whole purpose of my Life stand in opposition to that?

It makes me sad that I'm as insecure as I was in high school.

But, I'm still not going.