I Used to be Fun
But now?
Fresh flowers in the bathroom? No thanks, I will just have to add “throw
flowers away” to my to-do list on Friday.
Get out the crystal for a glass of juice? Um, if you’re not looking I’ll save myself
the washing and just drink from the jug.
Spend an hour writing a love-note to my beloved? I’ll just text him, “Hey.” Create intricate
invitations for you to come to tea? I’ll
just instant message you and see if you would bring me a Coke. Bring one for yourself, if you’d like. (For
real. Don’t think I haven’t done this.)
I still write. Just
for useful things, though. Church. Work.
Lessons. I still cook. For scattered events. I still listen to beautiful music. But only at work. All day long.
So, I consume silence at home. I
still read. Well, little bits here and
there. Never long hours at a time.
My “job” requires my creativity, so my artistic license
expires during my “own” time. The weeds
need pulling. The baseboards need
cleaning. How in the world do they get
so filthy so quickly? And I happen to
love organization and be a Messy. It’s
my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I am also a
perfectionist. So throw that into the
crazy along with all the self-imposed rules of life to which I must
obtain.
I miss the old me.
The one that wasn’t stuck on some giant treadmill of work, house, work,
house…
(Before you email and tell me that I should just take a long
4 hour bath and read something really fabulous while gazing at the roses picked
from the garden – I do have to confess that I spent a solid hour inventing
desserts. And I have gone over my time
limit I set for writing this. So, even
with all my ranting and wailing, I still have pockets of the old me that creep
through.)
But I still miss her.
The one who felt that God’s grace was upon her because she
was riding her bike through vineyards.
The one who understood God’s nearness as she watched the sun rise over
rice patties. The one who languished in
God’s provision as she explored a city with the love of her life. The one who was assured of God’s calling as
she worked on a fancy writing project for a fancy church.
But, here’s the good news. She was wrong. She thought that those things - those gifts - were her salvation.
The new me is growing up.
The new me is growing up.
God’s grace is upon me – not because I’m riding my bike
through the vineyards – but because God has removed my sins as far as the east
is from the west (Psalm 103). God is
near – He is the Sun of Righteousness rising with healing in His wings (Malachi
2). God has provided – yes, this earthly
husband- – but how much more amazing - this
Husband who is Almighty, who is my Redeemer (Isaiah 54). God’s calling is not rooted in my glory and
excellence but in Christ’s (2 Peter 1).
Now my prayer time is in the car instead of in a cozy chair
with a great cup of coffee and my journal.
Now my ministry is to people who often forget my name. Now I live with someone from whom I cannot
keep up appearances of being good and righteous.
And someday, I might look on this season, and see my grace
filled husband, our health, our family, our church, this ministry – and long
for this season again. I might romanticize
it, just as I romanticize other seasons.
But, I hope that when I look back at this time, I see
how Heaven became a greater desire as I loved people who are broken on
earth. I pray that I look back to see
how His Word became a joy as I taught the same simple lesson five times a week. I pray that I look back and cherish the long
prayer commutes. I pray that I look back
and see how God grew my husband and I together as one as we pulled weeds and watched
the garden come to life. And even if it’s
not dramatic and even if it won’t make anyone envious on Facebook, I pray that
most of all in the midst of the mundane, I see less of who I am and more of Christ.
Comments
You make me laugh, you make me happy. I LOVE the real you, no matter what season of life you might be in at the moment! You name is mentioned often at Sonlight, - and always with a smile attached! love ya norma